i don't write anything here these days.. and i blame it on my relatively peaceful state of mind . i no longer have that urge to enjoy drinking by myself which sorta sucks in a way. i mean being drunk makes me write things more easily cuz i don't care about what i write when i'm drunk and i guess i can write about more things then. and so most of my past entries were written while i was drunk. those entries felt unfamiliar to me and it was also embarrassing to read them. i wrote about things that i don't even think about nowadays, and some are just messed up. i mean it's interesting to read them but some are seroiusly just fucked up and i can't stand reading about my emotional stuff now. but what can i say. those were the things i felt like writing at that moment whether or not i was drunk and i should 'respect' what i had to say at that time in the past haha.

so that first paragraph was what i wrote like 2 days ago and now i'll really write something since i just started drinking. my dad gave me a good tasting korean drink so yeah.. i got so much to write about but thesedays i just don't seem to put those things in my mind into action. yeah..  besides, i'm going back to montreal tomorrow which sucks. can't believe the break is over already and school's going to start right when i go back. so for this winter vacation, i came back to Busan, Korea and spent about two weeks here although it feels like i've only been here for few days. and Busan was awesome. very nice weather, crazy beautiful view of the ocean, and family. haven't spent this much time together with my family for a while and it was definately worth it. besides, busan really is beautiful with the blend of both the mountain and the ocean. makes me feel very comfortable with this feeling of familiarity with them, kind of different from the exotic and somewhat uniform beauty of canadian mountains.

today, i just came back from Daejun where my cousins live to have family gatherings for the new year. this new year holidays are big in korea because we have to do some traditional ancestor worship rituals with my dad's relatives. we had to do two rituals, one for my grandfather who passed away on january the first, and another one for my greater ancestors. i haven't done this ever since i moved to canada which was like 6-7 years ago and so it was something that i have forgotten about. it's very interesting actually. we put either the pictures or the ancestor's names on paper and put all sorts of food infront of them. the eldest son in the family offers them a drink, and then we bow to them down on our knees according to the ritual's specific order. before the ritual begins, we open the door a bit for the spirits to come in, then after we perform the ritual, we leave that room for a while to have them enjoy the food we have prepared for them. few more bows and other stuff then the ritual is over. i probably would have thought that this ritual was stupid when i was a kid or failed to give any significant meanings to it. however seeing and performing this ritual have made me realize the importance of this tradition. first off, i think it's so damn cool to perform this kind of rituals that was carried on for hundreds of years, and most of all, it makes me feel korean. to feel my roots and preserving it is worth more than anything even if you don't actually believe in those spirits coming in and eating those food. besides, it's not like we're hoping or begging for better luck and future to our ancestors. we're simply offering our greetings out of pure reverence and for our tradition. and so this is a very gwamful thing to do. these traditions would fail to provide us with any practicality other than this idealistic view of being korean though. it's a good cause for big family gatherings, but it costs a lot of money and effort from those people (mostly mothers), and there is no real reason to continue doing this if you think about it. and i personally can't come up logically with a very good reason for this neither for now other than the fact that it makes me feel korean and good. perhaps because being korean in this way makes me proud, but this pride is not an intrinsic feeling for i was born korean and i came to think that this is an honourable thing to do. and also i guess thinking about my ancestors and family makes me who i am because i came to be because of them.. but anyways..for now, i can say that i feel sorry for those people who have stopped this traditions for certain reasons, mostly those christians.. because they believe doing this is supposedly about worshipping something else than their true god and so some of them don't do this anymore. but i really want to say this. we are all modernized now with western culture dominating our own where we all listen, dress, eat, think, and even want to look like westerners or be like them. i mean i live in canada and i love that place. okay so that is inevitable and that's okay. but without those traditions, and this real sense of being korean, then what will we become. i mean drinking soju all night or watching those fucked up korean melo dramas and shows all the time or listening to gay motherfucking korean pop ballad piece of shit doesn't fucking mean that they're korean. i'm saying this as a korean living in canada and because i hate most koreans there. but i love korea, everything about our actual korea. our traditional music that i used to love playing as a kid, our sense and thoughts, and of course this beautiful mountains and oceans. so basically those intrinsic koreanness is what i love, and i hope to preserve this as i grow older althoug it'll be hard to carry on those specific traditions. but i think this 'ideal' is what all counts and i wish to stay this way, to be korean.

and this is something interesting about writing when i'm drunk. when i say drunk, that is this right amount of happy intoxication of my mind to say what i actually want to say at this moment. i didn't intend on writing about any of this at all but it just comes out like this haha. fuck i always say i have to write about 'gwam' but i think i need to write when i'm more fresh minded and actually motivated. hmm.. yeah oh and korean indie bands rock. went to underground concerts to listen to some crazy thrash metal band and they were fucking good.. hurt my neck muscle banging my head like crazy alone haha but it was worth it. don't know why but all the very good rock bands come from busan. Nell, Pia.. all from here. and nell came out with their 4th album which sound even more popish than even the previous one.. but it's still okay i guess. don't know why all those bands do that and then say that they are now more 'mature.' 

 i'll miss this place in winter (summer in korea's hell..). back to fucking montral tomorrow.

three months of vancouver.

 being anti-social. i'm starting to think that i'm quite more antisocial than what i always thought i was to be. antisocial in terms of not totally secluding myself from every social activities but the idea of having the antisocial mind.. sort of too much of it. so being anti-social,  i love stereotyping people. of course, the common view of stereotyping is quite.. negative.. and so i just go on saying how i love it. i don't know, just to fuck with the general attitude towards it.. or maybe to masturbate with the pleasure of being the one judging everyone around me. but regardless of all these shitload of fucks that i might add to my behaviour, rationalizing it is all so easy. i say i categorize people to sort out the ones that might end up being what i refer it to as the  'passer-bys' of my life, because i hate spending time with the people that i wouldn't end up seeing ever again. for in that slightest moment of my life i could enjoy more of my breathing, the air,  the sun, the nature and all those beautiful gay stuff that i love feeeeling (while of course doing nothing).. i consider spending times with the passer-bys to be worth nothing because if i'm not in contact with the past by not still having interactions with them, that past is ever lost. i seem to think that by having certain ties to my past, that past becomes my present. memory is a mere past that constantly shifts through my brain forming its own image as i see fit but the past in this present is somewhat more real it seems. i mean what the fuck does the past mean? certain past, i wish i would not be able to remember it but the sort of memory that i recollect when my cigarette burns to the filter, that's what the fucking past means. and the only way for me to retain that real past without the present is keep on trying and thinking it back. but as i said before, those memories are not real anymore. they just form in my head without my sense of reality in it and they start fading away i guess. i'm afraid of some of those past becoming like that. it's depressing.. so.. anyways, i don't know when exactly i started thinking this way, probably after realizing how everything in this moment could be enjoyable, (this might something be about rerouting my depressed sense into some positive.uh.. sense.. for now) or after spending quite a lot of my highschool life with the fucking passer-bys, mostly being the koreans. this is one of the reaosns why i say i hate most koreans. it's not that they are bad people or anything.. they just make me feel like i'm wasting my time when i'm with them -_-... i mean they can be so nice and all. but then again i hate nice people. niceness does not matter.

 staying in vancouver for three months basically doing nothing, this was what i could always think about.  i consider this state of idleness to be good because it gives me time to reflect on myself, although it sucks how what i had to occupy myself with was mostly about these sort of things. this was probably because i had so much time to myself without any social interactions. that is, not belonging to any social life like school or work sort of things. and it does get quite tiring to hang out with the same people all the time. so what i tried to do was enjoy as much as possible by myself in this beautiful city of vancouver. i can always watch tv or play games or whatever but what i'm concerned about here is the enjoyment of idleness. i went to the beach quite a lot to read while getting awful sunburns, jog around sometime, exercise, and yeah mostly just looking over the ocean. i have to say that it was so damn relaxing, but i found that there were limits of being able to enjoy all this by myself.. and that's how i relized that it fucking sucks not to be able to enjoy, or 'feel' the moment as much when i'm all alone. i wonder why it is so much better to share an experience with others. for example, when i'm at the beach looking over the ocean or looking at the stars, it doesn't matter who's beside me. it's the very same environment that i perceive, but it feels so much more beautiful when i'm with someone else. i mean even if it's my guy friend beside me having a smoke after getting drunk or something to talk on a beach, the fact that i'm with someone makes me appreciate that moment more than me just sitting there (and.. yeah that sorta makes me feel gay). maybe it's because of the interactions we're having, those talks incorporating into my brain along with the beautiful views that makes me realize that i'm there, for we are called 'social animals.' or maybe because of the fact that i'm acknowledging how beautiful the view is by saying ' o fuck man it's so beautiful' and the other being agreeing to my acknowldegement, and so by seeing some other being agreeing to my senses making me feel secured. either way, it is depressing to see myself having to depend upon other presence to feel happy. i'm seriously thinking that i should learn how to meditate or something. maybe that'll make me enjoy my existence alone.

 drugs. i think that's one other thing that might make me enjoy my time alone. but after doing that for few weeks, i would really say that it's a false sense of fulfillment. after buying quite a lot of weed on the day of the warped tour concert, i tried smoking up everyday for about two weeks. and this too was done all by myself. there are two things about being high. one is being able to laugh so much, and this can be accomplished when i'm with other people but i don't particularly love it because it's a laughter for nothing. and the other one is that listening to music while i'm high is so fucking gwamful. this is the main reason why i love smoking up by myself. so i used to go to the beach, smoke up there and stay there for like four hours just listening to dreamtheater and deftones. first few times, that felt pretty damn good, better than being there sober i guess. actually, to tell you the truth, listening to music while being high could be considered to be the perfect moment that i so desire (another reason to be depressed.. -_- all this with the help of false, abnormal perception). that moment being, it's like i'm being seperated by all the time frame and exist there solely by myself, completely drenched in the music that i listen to. but the problem comes afterwards. this is kind of ironic, but the fact that i can't really remember that moment, although being at that exact moment feeling so fucking gwamful is just fucked up. the loss of that exact memory, perhaps caused by the absence of social interactions or whatever, makes smoking up sort of unworthy. it is as if the memory is an essential part of feeling my existence but when i so feel that at that moment of being high, it's gone afterwards. for that two weeks starting from the warped tour concert was like a dream to me. when i wake up after i smoke up, i feel like the day before was some kind of a weird dream of being nothing, and that continues on as far as i get high. i think that was one thing that made me smoke up around then though. i wanted to be in a dream for a while from that day haha.. fucking cliche talking about loss of reality and all those shit eh.. but yeah. oh, and i see how bad this thing can do to your health.. i noticed how my lungs were so fucked up after doing this when i go swimming.. can't breath as much. so now i know that smoking up regularly is a baaad thing to do haha. it gives you a false sense of reality (sometimes good) and deprive me of my 'moments' for not being able to really have that moment afterwards(?) -_-.. should just do it once every month or so to listen to music though. cuz it's still good haha.

alright so that was my three months in vancouver. i regret not going to long beach and going sky diving but other than that, i guess it was good (but it would have been a whole lot better if i worked.. but then not being involved in any social stuff i guess i realized all this? muwahahahahaha). so now do i still think that having an anti-social mind is good? i'm still not sure. i know that being sociable and knowing lots of people will be more profitable in an ungwamtic way. and i'm all for the gwamness naa mean?? haha...  i guess i know what i want now a bit more than before. and yeah.. just the fact that i was in this beautiful, magnificent, supergwamtic city makes it all up. yup.. and i feel really fuckin sad cuz i won't be able to come back here for a while. my parents are selling the house and so i won't have a place to stay in vancouver for three years till my daddy finally moves to vancouver for good.. i might come back in winter and just stay in whistler with my friends but i'm pretty sure that i won't be here next summer. but it's all good.. i'm sad now but i think montreal this year will be gwamful. my two best friends got into mcgill, fuckin chig decided to come back to montreal, and i'll be quite involved with the taiwanese club and all.. GO TAIWAN HAHA.. and i should be doing more volunteer works, start pottery again, maybe learn some art, or a guitar..yeah.. no more idleness of three months like this. fuck. fuck.fuck.fuck. i'll miss this place and all the memories left behind. tears are always colourless, right?

 THE DA VINCI CODE.  IT'S FUCKIN AWESOME. i mean it makes you realize how fucked up the christianity is and how it's based on the false belief formed by the 'people,' not god, that used christianity as means of controling the power. so let us all be a cynic and condemn that religion for deceiving us muwahrahar. and of course i am just kidding. i would have loved all these ideas so much few years ago though..when i was obssessed with all those conspiracy theories and the idea that there's no such thing as good or evil and so leading to this idea that since the christianity presents us with the clear view of those, it's all fucked up and all. but now i think that there are certain values that we can hold onto which i said many times that my personal attainment of those 'truths' is through various knowledge but i also think that those ideas presented by the ultimate god is good too as long as you are devoted into it. cuz well christianity's all about.. love, right? hahaha. but yeah i read the book like a year ago and watching the movie today kinda reminded me of those historical facts about christianity so that was good. ah they are so interesting and compelling cuz it's so shocking. those things about holy grail and a lot of other things are clearly fictitious but those historical facts about the pagan and feminine worships are infact, true along with how christianity got so powerful. they are just some other view of history u might argue but fuck that. so it is good that people are reminded of the history of christianity through something like this. but as the author clearly states, those does not matter. cuz it's a fuckin religion. for those who have faith don't question them. i mean they say they constantly do and that's what makes them a stronger christian but that's something that i clearly don't understand. and believing in those historical facts i remain to be a cynic towards christianity, their form itself, but not in god though. i respect the 'truths' they present to us. neways, before going into the movie theater, there were ppl handing out papers that said something like banning the movie cuz this movie is some kinda blasphemy. and i write this whole thing just to say that i agree with them. this movie does create a great deal of fuckedupness for the catholics. cuz they challenge their main beleif that jesus christ is an immortal. but this fact is as i said,  relative to those who believe in it or those who don't. and to those who does not believe in it or didn't even know about this, they will immediately renounce christianity. like i said few entries ago, those who will accept things right away. i think i'm being.. kinda arrogant in some way like this but judging from the response from most ppl in the movie theater, it seems that it is true. it's like now you gotta challenge every single beleif that there is. i mean fuck all that. using media such as a movie to create such a mess.. so easily accessible to anyone, is clearly damaging the position of the christians. so although perhaps banning the movie and stopping people from watching the movie is wrong, i do see their point and it is their duty to do such an act even though they are mocked. i don't even want to defend them actually. just stating that they're doing what they must, and let them be so. i mean the movie's challenging the base of their friggin beleif for the sake of people's mere entertainment. books i categorize them to be an intellectual source that could be judged and read discreetly but such form like this is.. really a blasphemy. but i should say it's all good.. cuz that's what we all want these days except towards the things that are considered to be high up values. we renounce values from the past and embrace the current state of nothingness. i mean i don't mean to be politically incorrect and rascist but.. we're up to the point where we rejoice the lowest form of culture such as hip hop and thier fashion and their way of talking. why the fuck? WHY. of course because we don't know what's 'better' and judge which is what. cuz everything's good. although there are problems associated with such thing as christianity and all but, i beleive they are whole lot better than this currnet state. how the hell did hip-hop stuff come out while i was discussing christianity i do not know but i should sleep.

oooooh title turtle

 wow. there's a halo around the moon right now. it's beautiful haha. it really is.

for the past five days i stayed over at my friend's house in delta and i was quite sick. i don't know why i had to get sick after coming to vancouver. WHY. i never had a cold for the past few years, not even in montreal where it's always like -15 everyday or so.

aside from my usual hanging out routines like playing pool, watching movies, drinking and all, i've been to the casino few times after i came to vancouver. personally i don't like the idea of gambling but my friend's currently going crazy about it. and while staying over at his place, he always wanted me to go with him so that i can restrain his gambling capacities.

i actually have this disdainful view towards those people around our age going to casinos spending hundreds of their parent's money. i know couple of them among the old koreans and just about a week ago i saw this 26 years old guy among that circle losing 1800 dollars in thirty minutes playing roulette. they're all mostly college drop-outs, their parents around middle class or maybe a bit richer, and all they do is gamble like that and buy lotteries. i'm not kidding. so far they are the most fucked up losers i can find. they only live to see the day that they would someday somehow earn millions of dollars with gambling or lottery and do nothing about their lives. i would consider spending their own hard earned money for gambling to be plain stupid but these guys are just fucked up.

yes, gambling can be fun. i spent five dollars on black jack and earned fifteen dollars. YEAH. right after i made twenty like that, i walked away. i can't imangine how happy i was. it was like earning a free tofu and a half in like 5 minutes hahaha. and that is the problem. my friend played texas holdem with forty dollars and the first hand he played after he joined, he went all-in, won, and earned more than a hundred dollars right there. he ended up losing all his money after an hour or so, but at that moment, later on he tells me that he really didn't know how it could feel so damn great like earning that much money.

okay, so i got lucky and won fifteen dollars. but since my friend lost all his money, i just gave away my chips to him to play more. i didn't mind that much cuz it was the free money i made neways. and this again is the problem. money spent in gambling and the outcome of that money is always wasted. i hear stories from all these casino addicts and every 'good' story they tell me such as winning few thousand dollars, the aftermath is quite stupid. either they try to make more and lose all which is the usual case, or they give away those money to their so called friends cuz it's the korean tradition or the custum. or they buy some stupid shitty gucci wutever brand tiny little ring or wutnot with those money they made if they managed to walk out. aside from all the shit talk against capitalism, i think this is just meaningless, to go and trying to earn money in the casino for the sake of empty happiness.

currently me and my friends really just go to the casino to have fun, and i think we are doing that right. i mean it's kinda embarrasing to give the dealer five dollar bill, get a single chip and play black jack surrounded by these ppl with hundred dollars chips. and we get so happy if we win like ten dollars haha. well my friend shows some sign of being addicted to gambling but at least he is aware of it and tries not to be addicted. i don't blame him for being like that cuz he won big few times. good thing that i'm always out of money to not play so big. that of course, being addicted to cigarettes. hahaha. and i buy cigarettes with my parent's money oh yeah. -_-... but yeah. i believe that money should be earned from working hard. so when you spend them, you spend it with dignity haha. i'm in no position of speaking such things. and so i should finally start writing my resume and find a job. like now. i've been fucking around too much here although it was so damn fun and relaxing.

i just realized that i can now smile looking at the night sky listening to the music that reminds me of the past. the music that i usually refrained from listening to. ah vancouver's just so damn beautiful. i love this place.

 Vancouver in 2 days.

i could have left earlier but had to go to Protest the hero concert today to make up for all the concerts that i missed. just came back from it and.. it was pretty damn awesome. except for the fact that there were some really rough ppl there and in the middle of the fuckin show, ppl were throwing up and all.. -_-.. but still it was much better than i expected. and the place was like the kind of place that i prefer. alternative rock bar with small crowd and ghetto atmosphere haha.

so tomorrow, i gotta clean my room and move out all my stuff to my new apartment. so yeah. my whole year in mcgill's over. i could describe the first half of this year as being the most depressing moment of my life, and the second half being.. extremely mundane.. feeling like nothing's happening.

 but this year have made me change my future plans (which i even doubt that i ever had one) cuz i was just so messed up doing fuckin sciences haha. well i finally decided to get into arts and major in either in philo or history and minor in the one that i didn't choose for my major.. and then you know how it is for asians. it's always doctor or lawyer so haha. i would like to learn about this law of our society to understand it better... yeah.. of course, i should mention that i also desperately want to help out all those in need of social justice.. and maybe i should stop being so cynical.

so anyways, speaking of this year's good things, i will finally post some pictures that i managed to get from someone else's xanga or a friend. these photos are all mostly taken during the good times that i had here.

first off, this is the room. taken when granny dy came.

i was cleaning my room.. and that's the fridge that i always sit on to look outside when i smoke. on top of that is the monitor to play tekken with timichi.

yup.. this is my girlfriend chig. i call this guy chigger or chig and i spent most of my time with this guy here haha. lots of memories with this guy.. spent so much time in the library with him during the first finals .. 'talking' about our past haha. failed finals cuz of it but i guess it was fun and 'chill'..-_-.. and of course, the bbt place and the arcade.. haha.. it was good to meet him here. i could really laugh with this guy when we first hang out. and that was my first good laugh i had since i came here. kinda feel like saying thanks to him but.. STFU chig

this pissed off looking guy is timichi. we live on the same floor, and he always comes by my room to play tekken. quite competitive, but i can respect that. he's also pretty good to talk to about.. interesting things. he listens and he got his own strong views too. and he always gave me taiwanese noodles when i was starving to death haha. nice guy. and i post this picture to commemorate my pwnage against him in the ping pong tournament. HAHAHA. this'll piss him off. but wutever.

well these two ppl are the ones that i mostly hung out with till the end of the year. actually Frosh was pretty fun in the beginning, cuz i got drunk for free and frosh friends were good to hang out with but till the end, we just don't end up meeting up anymore.. which sucks. but i guess i should actually try to keep those moments.

anyways,, there was one ski trip to mt. st.anne. i consider this trip to be the most fun i had in montreal. stayed there for two nights in an awesome cabin. really chill place.

so this is the cabin we stayed at and all the ppl that shared this cabin. yeah.. i got most of these pictures from margaret's xanga the one with a pink dress in this pic.. without permission from her but she doesn't know my xanga.. but regardless of it, i'm citing it haha.

haha.. o man.. good times.. it was really fun. and then there were parties which i got friggin drunk. and so i was happy.

ah yeah. this is me when i get drunk. can't believe how happy i seem. i guess ppl call this my 'shong' face or my happy face. interesting thing is, they say i always look so happy haha..

and the next set of pictures are from MTSA formal dinner. this ski trip and all were part of MTSA events. i enjoyed being a member as a Taiwanese gropu haha. and so i'll be an exec next year as a social director or something.. which gotta promote umm parties and be friendly to ppl.. so i hafta change my personality a bit and develop some social skills. so anyways, the formal party. this was held at the best night club in montreal, and the restaurant is at like 30th floor of this building. so awesome night view.

hahaha.. actually we took a lot of pictures of ourselves acting cool cuz this time, chig actually had a camera so yeah. these are our 'cool' pictures.. 

the 'chosen one.'

the crazy chig.

umm..yeah.. actually sometimes chig calls me korgger or korg so i should name this 'the crazy korg.'

and.. imitating the successful ppl..

yup.. the successful ppl.. these are hilarious actually haha. after the formal party, we ended up going to the arcade with these suits and play drum, then go sing k till 4 in the morning or something hahaha.

and finally.. when andy came. we ended up hanging out all together.

this is brutopia, the rock cafe. they play a lot of jazzy and funk stuff so it's really chill to be here. i love this place.

i believe this was at Sharx, the pool place. i look stoned. after all this, we went to the strip club and gave andy a lap dance for his birthday. too bad we couldn't take pictures in there haha.

and that's it for the pictures. took me whole lot more than i expected. i don't know why but i have to explain to every single things i do. i kinda hope that i had a camera to take more pictures now cuz it's all memories and some of'em were good. frosh, my birthday (with a single person but had good talks and dinner so i guess it was my 'interesting' 19th birthday..), going to brutopia with my frosh friends, parties with my frosh buddies at their rez, the quebec trip, etc.. i just listed things that i've done here hahaha.. yup this whole thing in this entry is wut i've done in montreal.

now i have to contradict myself again. cuz i just look so damn happy. probably cuz all those pictures were taken when i was really having fun but later on, several years later, when i look back to these pictures, i will think that this year was not that bad after all. which is how i'm kinda thinking right now. now then what happens to all those other moments i spent by myself in my room drinking not socializing at all. hmm and i think this is one of my reasons for not socializing with my rez ppl that much. outside, i'm just so damn happy and easy going that i just want to stay quite and be depressed to balance myself out or something. i enjoy being by myself to a certain degree and be depressed. and so this is why i again contradict myself for wanting to take more pictures. pictures are only for those happy moments that will lead to the illusion of my past. and so i don't like taking pictures that much. really, i don't. i don't desperately try to take a picture of myself and others around me for evrey occasions for this reason. but after, it looks good. this is why this sucks.

this year passed by really quickly to come to think of it. but short time's a long time haha. and summer starts again.